What is Identity? (Being vs. Doing)
You are more than the roles you play
For years, whenever someone asked me the inevitable small-talk question—“So, what do you do?”—I’d shrug and offer this self-deprecating answer, “Oh, I’m just a mom.”
At first, it felt honest. But over time, I realized that little word “just” was slowly eroding how I saw myself. It made me feel less-than, as though raising four children, navigating the challenges of military life, and holding a family together through countless moves wasn’t enough to count—not to mention all the other talents, skills, and experience I have developed along the way.
That answer reflected a belief that my identity was only tied to a role. And roles change. Kids grow up. Jobs shift. Life seasons turn. If our identity is only “what we do,” it’s shaky ground.
The Shift
When I first encountered Heroic, one of the questions posed was not “What do you do?” but rather:
“Who are you at your best?”
That question shook me.
I realized that identity isn’t about a résumé line or a family role. It’s about being before it’s about doing. It’s about the qualities you choose to embody and the way you choose to show up in every circumstance.
Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
That line moved from theory to lived reality for me. Every act of patience, every moment of courage, every decision to love in the face of difficulty was casting a vote for who I was becoming.
Being vs. Doing
Roles are important, but they’re not the whole picture. Saying “I’m a mom” or “I’m a CEO” might tell someone what you do, but not who you are.
Who are you when you’re under stress?
Who are you when no one’s watching?
Who are you when a choice costs you something?
Those are the questions that reveal identity.
And here’s the freeing part: identity is a choice. Every moment, we get to decide who we are by how we show up.
Why It Matters
When our identity is tied too tightly to titles, it’s fragile. Jobs end. Kids grow up. Relationships change.
But when our identity is rooted in virtues—courage, integrity, patience, love—it becomes resilient. Those qualities travel with us through every season, every role, every storm.
And the same applies to organizations. A company’s identity isn’t defined by the products it makes or the numbers on a quarterly report. It’s defined by the culture it creates and the values it lives out consistently.
Reflection for Today
If all my roles disappeared tomorrow, who would I still be?
What virtues or qualities do I want to define how I show up?
What small choice can I make today that casts a vote for the identity I want to live?
Closing Thought
I used to answer, “I’m just a mom.”
Now, I answer differently.
I am someone striving to show up with courage, integrity, and love. A person committed to growth—to learning from my mistakes— to seeking a higher path—to doing the hard things. Someone becoming who she chooses to be.
And that’s the deeper, life-defining question we all get to ask ourselves:
“Who do you choose to be—today?”
